Why We Won't Allow Ourselves to Explore Our Kinky Desires

Even if we have had an amazing experience with Kink

It happened again

I should be used to this by now, especially as a professional dominatrix.

They have fantasized for years about being dominated, or spanked, or pegged or some other sexy kinky play. They gather up their courage and book a call with me.

They show up for the call, and because they meet my criteria, they are invited to do an introductory package that includes a deep dive into all their desires, hard limits, history and anything else I need to know before bringing them in for their first play session.

The session is filled with consensual debauchery, and they leave doe-eyed and raving about how much they loved it.

Then something happens. The next appointment is booked, and yet the odds of them showing up drop to record lows.

Maybe they text to tell me they have been called to move to Greenland, or that their grandmother is in the hospital and they need to care for her. More often, they disappear without a trace. Their phone no longer receives messages from my number. They have been swallowed up by the kink Bermuda Triangle and are never heard from again.

If I didn’t know better, I might be tempted to think that contact with me is dangerous to their health.

However, there is a simpler explanation.

There are those who never make it to the first phone call who are likely afflicted with:

• Fear of being found out to be kinky.

• Fear that the fantasy could not possibly live up to the reality.

• Inability to give themselves permission to explore their desires that they feel are outside the norm.

• An ingrained belief that there must be something wrong with them for their desires.

The thing I wish they knew is that it is perfectly okay to have the desires you have. It is also OK to find safe, sane and consensual ways to explore those desires.

There are also people who want to explore them with you.

Maybe not everyone, but that doesn’t make you wrong.

I personally hate cilantro. It tastes like soap to me. That doesn’t make cilantro lovers wrong. There is nothing wrong with cilantro. It is a fine upstanding herb, and there is also nothing wrong with those who love cilantro.

The ones who make it to their first session, have a fantastic experience and then disappear into the Kink Bermuda Triangle are the ones who sadden me the most.

They now know what they are not allowing themselves to enjoy.

It is one thing for people to tell you how amazing chocolate molten lava cakes are, but as long as it is just a fantasy you don’t actually know how good they are.

But when you know and you see the server taking a chocolate molten lava cake going to another table instead of yours your eyes can’t help but to follow it as your mouth fills with saliva remembering how delicious it is.

To know that they could order it and yet choose to experience denial instead saddens me. It seems like cruel and unusual punishment for what I will never know.

And yet, my understanding of human behaviour does give me insights. We are illogical creatures, we choose to follow the subconscious demands to stay safe even when there is nothing unsafe. We rarely challenge the subconscious. Seldom ask if our actions are warranted. We act and react.

It is what we do. Neither right nor wrong; simply patterns we fall into.

Of course, they can be changed. I have done it for myself and hundreds of clients over the years, so I know it’s possible.

If the world of kinky exploration has been on your bucket list but you can’t pull the trigger, feel free to reach out to rewire your brain and install the permissions settings.

In the meantime, try questioning your behaviour - ideally without judgement or criticism but with curiosity.

Do I need to do it this way?

Will I or anyone else die if I do?

What has helped you embrace your sexual exploration? Comments welcome.