Just Because You Can….

Underrated advice that is not always followed in Kink

There are days when I wander into dark corners of Fetlife (a kinky social media platform with very graphic photos - you may or may not thank me), dark corners that you hope have friendly bunnies and delightful conversations, but where you find the most interesting of kinks and people posting requests for said kinks to be done to them.

I am glued to the screen, unable to turn away, surely causing a traffic jam behind me as I stare in horror and fascination.

When I found the kink community and joined events, the internet connection sang a tune of kssshhh, screeeeee, breep-breep-krrrchhh. I had not yet found my fellow kinksters online, but I did find small groups hanging out in my small city of Barrie, Ontario.

We gathered snacks, shared stories and best practices. In those small gatherings, the more seasoned players encouraged us to stick to what was Safe, Sane and Consensual. There was also a mutual respect shown in “not icking someone else’s wow”, aka - don’t be a judgmental cow.

I do my best, and yet as I fall into these dark corners, my far from naive eyes burning with images I can’t unsee, I find myself questioning if I am that judgmental cow or if I am aware that these things are outside of the Safe, Sane and Consensual realm.

I miss having those small groups with seasoned players sharing years of wisdom for those embarking on a new, wonderful type of play to explore. Instead, we have the all too familiar echo chambers where members boot out anyone who dares to question or suggest how they can practice such things safely.

I want to scream into these groups.

Just because you can doesn’t mean you should!!!!

I watched the series Dying For Sex, which is a well-done true story of a woman who is dying from cancer and chooses to spend her remaining time exploring sex with different partners, primarily to achieve an orgasm with one of these partners. It is well done, sometimes funny, definitely needs tissue, and at times, I wanted to pull her aside to guide her on her exploration into being dominant.

Do not follow what she does as an example of exploring Kink safely, or sanely. She definitely missed the mark on that. And while we get the idea that there is consent, in real life, consent in kink is more complicated than simply not saying no.

Consent deserves an entire article on its own.

There is one scene that had me yelling at the screen. He wants her to hit him in the balls, so she pulls back her leg and kicks him so hard that she breaks her femur (which was fragile from her cancer, but still!!!).

DO NOT DO THIS!!!

There are ways to kick people safely, but what she demonstrated was not one of them. It actually takes skill to make it appear as if you are going to kick them full out, but then pull back so that the impact is just right. Painful enough to thrill, but not enough to injure. It is more about the psychological fear factor than actually impacting the testicles.

The sad fact is that because we as a whole carry immense shame about sex and our desires, we rarely seek out any training on how to engage in anything sex related, let alone high-risk sex activities, choosing instead to follow our genital arousal as proof that we are good to go.

It is enough to make me want to recreate the scene from the 1980 movie Airplane, being first in line to slap these people out of their stupidity.

But until someone invents a technology that reaches out from your screen and slaps you when you post dumb shit, I will have to make do with a face-palm moment, fearing for the next generation.

But then faith in humanity is restored, or at least some of it, as I have a conversation with a couple embarking on their journey into Domination and submission. They reached out to me to get some guidance and training - yeah for the sane people!!!

Kink play can be dangerous, even causing death when not done properly.

Granted, most people are not engaging in extreme acts that will require a coroner to remove the body, but many will require a trip to the emergency room.

So, best to save yourself the embarrassment and potentially permanent damage - learn how to practice kink safely.

Let’s say you read the terrible Fifty Shades book and think, “Hey, it would be hot to have my lover choke me while they are banging me.”

If they know nothing about anatomy, they could damage your windpipe permanently, or they could cut off blood flow to your brain and cause you to pass out, where you could split your head open.

Choking is hot and sexy when done well, but lying on the floor with your brains leaking out is not.

One of my lovers is a former police officer and black belt in martial arts. He understands anatomy, restraint, and the serious risks involved in breath play. As such, he is allowed to choke me because he knows what he is doing.

I have had way too many lovers who have reached up to choke me, clearly untrained and not having gotten consent, whom I have stopped immediately, and some I have ended the sex and sent them home.

Yet, people mistakenly think choking is a low-risk kink play. (Where is that slap button when you need it?)

Some classic books that I have personally read are The Topping Book and the complementary The Bottoming Book, as well as Screw The Roses, Send Me The Thorns. They are older, but their wisdom is not out of date, and perhaps because of that, they are better (like me and fine wine ;) ).

Kink is not inherently dangerous because people are kinky. It becomes dangerous when curiosity outruns education. Desire is not expertise. The old communities understood that mentorship, safety, and asking questions mattered. We need more spaces where people can learn without shame and where experienced players can say, “Slow down, here’s how to do this safely,” before someone learns the hard way.

💎 Sexual Wellness/Healing Consult - Click Here

🌶️ For time in the Dungeon with me (traditional kink, therapeutic kink, or couples/singles training) - Click Here

Might I suggest a book or two???

https://www.amazon.ca/stores/author/B00PKKYCEK