Chapter 1 - Go Ask The Dolphins
A special sneak peek into my year of Sex, Surrender and Letting Go
How exactly did this become my life? I wonder. It feels too surreal; who does this? Sitting here on the padded spanking bench, I attempt to get comfortable.
The boning in my leather corset forces my spine straight. How exactly did women tolerate these back in the day? I might look smoking hot, but I could pass out from lack of oxygen.
I test out different options to find the Goldilocks “just right” one, which proves to be elusive, and settle for the least uncomfortable. Poised on the corner of the spanking bench, I’m half sitting and half leaning, sipping shallows breaths while trying to summon the required Dominatrix energy. The COVID pandemic transformed my wardrobe into yoga attire and flats for all occasions. Wearing this corset makes me wonder who’s being tortured today.
I manage to find a somewhat comfortable position, and with each inhale, I see my breasts lunging towards my face, my abundant cleavage threatening to swallow my head whole. I tell myself to relax, hoping that simply saying it will bring on the feeling of ease I desperately need right now. I remember to do some Kegel squeezes and remind myself to focus on the fact that the point of what I’m about to do is to have fun, despite the fact that I want to run from the room⎯the dungeon⎯and drop this silly idea of being a professional, paid Dominatrix.
At the same time, I’m equally excited to start this new career. I want to be paid to have fun, to laugh, to feel pleasure, and, of course, to consensually beat people, in the most delicious kind of way.
The pay for this kind of work is extremely enticing, but the only way I can get back into it is to feel proud of my work and have loads of fun doing it. Otherwise, I know it won’t be long before I feel trapped in the loop of wanting the money but not loving the work or the clients. Given how intimate this work is and how much trust my clients will be placing in me, they deserve for me to be doing this because I love it.
As I wait for the scheduled submissive to arrive and the session to begin, I can’t help but think about what has changed to make it possible for me to do this now.
In 2019, I met my best friend, Gaia; our beginning mimicked the start of every Hallmark movie, given how much we clashed and found each other irritating. Gaia is a professional Dominatrix and sexual wellness expert, and given that I was in a sexless marriage, she annoyed me. Her wild sexcapades and laughing about spanking people with rubber chickens nearly caused me to spit out my tea, but I plastered my best British-level neutral face and kept to myself that she was oversharing while I clamored to get off the Zoom call as quickly as proper etiquette would allow.
I’d later learn that she saw me as angry and closed off, which I was. Thankfully, I ultimately healed that anger as well as my sex shame, and these days, we laugh together as we exchange our sexual escapades.
It’s ironic: 10 years before we met, I was nearly as wild and sexual as Gaia. You could have found me at various kink parties (playing on both sides of the whip), partaking in orgies and living an ethically non-monogamous lifestyle. Not to mention that I too had been a paid Dominatrix. I went from that to shutting off my sex drive, quitting the Dominatrix work, and refusing to look at anything sex-related.
When Gaia and I met, I was working as a business mindset coach. Although I used my previous experience as a Dominatrix for my branding, playing off the Inner Dominatrix concept, I was holding on to the idea that I could separate the sex worker stigma from the branding and have it viewed as a legit business by those in the business arena. But there were issues with this. On one hand, the branding was bold and catchy; branding experts repeatedly praised it. On the other hand, I was still navigating an internal conflict around it and therefore couldn’t fully embrace it. I wanted to lean in. I believed in both the branding concept and the extent to which we can learn from the embodiment of the Dominatrix. At the same time, societal resistance to open discussions about sexual concepts combined with possibly being seen as a sex worker kept my business from taking off in the way that it should have. I did well, but there was so much untapped potential that I could feel waiting there, left on the proverbial table.
When I was finally ready, Gaia was my guide and mentor back into the world of pro-Dominatrix work, this time in a way that left me feeling empowered and good about myself. I returned to enjoy it and hold space for clients to embrace their own kinks, releasing any shame they may carry. It’s been a remarkable journey, even though at times I’ve certainly wanted to jump off this crazy train and go back to hiding under the covers, ignoring it all.
I could hear the submissive walking down the hall towards me. He has been here many times and has permission to let himself in and get ready. Today, he is loaded up with two gym bags full of goodies for his session. He’s here for a double-domme session with Gaia and me. He’s her client, not mine. This world is forever layered and complicated.
“Hello,” he says, as I give a short hello and a nod. What is the protocol? Should I ignore him until the session begins? Gaia and I didn’t talk about this. I don’t want to fuck up the power dynamic. If I say hello, will I give him the idea that we are on the same power level and prevent him from dropping in? Ugh! So many things to think about.
As is the case with so many things, the devil is in the details. The power dynamic the submissive craves is subtle and nuanced as much as it is overt and obvious. Relational dynamics that might not matter with a coaching client can quickly erode the power dynamic in the dungeon. For example, if a coaching client were continually late, I would continue with the session but end on time. In the dungeon, however, the rules are quite different. Most of the clients are powerful, successful men who crave letting go and letting someone else be in charge. Men who, because of their power, often aren’t challenged and rarely told no. These men get used to this, so when they show up late for a session, they expect it to be no big deal. “Just short the time, and we’ll call it even,” they might say.
It sounds reasonable when dealing with a business situation, but it creates a huge problem with the power dynamic in the dungeon, which is essential to allowing them to surrender control to me as the domme.
Being late is being disrespectful, and that will not fly in the dungeon. How can one surrender if he’s still holding on to this element of control? Showing up late is almost always in a person’s control, so when they do it, they are withholding some of their power and surrender from the session - from me!
I remember Gaia telling me about one client in particular who was not only successful and influential but also tall, dark, and handsome (nicknamed Pretty Boy). He likely had never had a woman say no to any of his requests. He showed up late for a second time, apologized, and handed her some money as an apology.
She took the money, then informed him that he would still be punished for disrespecting her. I imagine the look on his face. Oh, to be a fly on the wall when he saw that he couldn’t dismiss the transgression with a weak apology and some money.
Now one man’s punishment might be another’s pleasure, so for a punishment to have a behaviour-correction effect, one must understand the client deeply. This is where the deep-dive intake session⎯one that often takes one and a half to three hours⎯gives the domme the intel on what would actually feel like punishment instead of good torture. Knowing the client deeply is a big part of success when it comes to allowing the trust to build and the client to find that sweet surrender they both crave and never find outside the dungeon.
Given his deep desire for her, she used a tease-and-denial approach. She blindfolded him so he couldn’t enjoy seeing her, then pleasured herself and asked if he wished he could see. Of course, he was nearly begging. At this point, she informed him that only those who arrive on time are granted that privilege. The whole session played out with various teases and denials, followed by her repeating that only submissives who respect her and show up on time can experience everything she had denied him. He left frustrated, but the point was deeply instilled that disrespecting her time would not be tolerated.
I felt conflicted as I listened to her describe that session in great detail. The punishment seemed too severe. Yet simultaneously, a tiny piece of me was cheering her on.
The dance between maintaining control and giving the client the experiences that bring them to surrender is a constant tightrope walk of psychological and physical factors one must be mindful of while simultaneously maintaining the energy of control that allows the client to drop in. The deep layers of psychology are intertwined with and complicated by the fact that far too many feel shame about their sexual preferences and desires.
We are learning to understand our conditioned roles as male- and female-identifying people, and to see the subtle ways that they play out, as they did with Pretty Boy. It might appear to an outsider that his offer to financially compensate Gaia for being late was polite and respectful. The thing is, there was a power play at work here. He was exhibiting his unconscious habit of always being in control and able to buy his way out of being a jerk - or at the very least, impolite. He craved to truly surrender, which meant that he could not be allowed to get away with this behaviour. Listening to Gaia tell me this story made me question my skills while simultaneously feeling grateful to have her as my best friend and mentor.
Thankfully, the submissive currently in the dungeon, who is busy laying all the kink toys he brought on the table in the hall, isn’t the type who needs much prompting to drop in and surrender. He’s what we call a natural submissive. His true nature is loving to serve, be of service, and be given tasks. He gains exquisite pleasure from serving and pleasing his Empress Gaia.
It makes him the ideal submissive to continue my re-entry into this work. He’s happy to be in her presence and not demanding or bratty. He loves to receive praise for a job well done and is easily crushed when he disappoints her.
No matter what happens in this session, he will be delighted. He’s an ideal client and a stark contrast to my coaching clients. I can’t imagine them being willing to pay me to sit at my feet, to simply be in my presence. In fact, it’s funny to imagine my coaching clients sitting at my feet, as though I were reading them a story. It’s definitely not something I can see them doing. Yet in the dungeon, so many things become possible because it is a type of play—adult play, mind you, but play nonetheless.
He finally gets all his toys lined up on the folding table. There are various types of clamps for his nipples, a bag of locks, and half a dozen gags for Gaia and me to choose from and use on him. With everything neatly laid out, he comes back into the dungeon and assumes the position of earnestly waiting for Empress Gaia to come in and for the session to begin.
Before I finish this story, I should tell you about my year of surrender, since that kicked off the change that landed me back in the dungeon as a paid Dominatrix.
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You can also search for the book by my full name. I have the distinction of being the ONLY Dana Pharant in the world.
So excited to read this! I got my copy today :)